So putting one’s personal “trust level” would also be helpful (and save annoying things like feeling hurt by rejection of a favourite activity). There may be other reasons why a person feels a particular activity or scene type needs a lot of trust (either to top, or to bottom, in that scene) or scenes for which they feel very confident and find it easy to trust. In order to bottom to someone in a rope scene, I need a huge amount of trust with them, just because my mind is going to be in a very high state of squiffiness and need someone I trust to keep me from freaking out. One thing that stymies me a little in exploring my bottoming side, is that the thought of rope bondage freaks me out but I also find incredibly hot as an idea and I want to try it. It is also helpful for a bottom to know what sorts of topping activities make their partner go into a “topspace” mindset. It would be handy to know what things make a bottom more likely to “space out” in a scene, so the top is alert to the fact. That leads to another important safety point in BDSM, which is the phenomena collectively referred to as subspace. And on the other hand, you can have, “Mind responds” – things that you know make you more interested in sex, in most circumstances. So it might be helpful to have a notion of “Body responds”, where you know that being touched or addressed or treated in a certain way is going to get the physical arousal going regardless of the mind (useful for a partner to know to check in verbally, for example). Of course, arousal isn’t only physical, it’s mental as well. Equally, something might be amazingly hot and arousing but very serious and focussed (for instance, some of the more edgy types of play in BDSM) so the pleasure is less about “fun” and more arousal-based. Like, I might really love kissing a partner’s buttocks, but it doesn’t give me an erection. So there’s two variables right there, which we might call “fun” and “hotness”. Not everything we really enjoy sexually is actually going to bring about stupendous arousal and orgasms, for example. Like, a guy enjoys receiving blowjobs and finds them the hottest, but if his current partner isn’t into giving, then he’s cool with that, too but equally, she doesn’t get turned on at all unless a guy is into her breasts so if he’s only about the butt, she’ll be an unhappy woman.īut the idea about conditions made me extend that kind of thinking further. For instance, something I often have wondered about is having a second variable, “How important is this to you?” Not everything we absolutely love is something that we necessarily have to have, and some things we absolutely must have, might not be stupendously hot but to not have it would be intolerable. I thought this was an excellent idea, and it prompted me to think about all the various ways in which a single measure, however graded, between “no” and “yes, yes, YES!” was insufficient. What mentioned that caught my eye, was that the version her partner gave her had options for placing conditions such as “Yes, but only to please my Dominant”. The basic idea is that you give each of them a score out of five, with 0 being “No way nu-uh” (or “hard limit” in the parlance) and 5 being “OMG yes, yes! YES!” Clarisse Thorn explains the utility of such a thing, and Scarleteen has a non-BDSM version. So a couple of weeks ago, and I were chatting on twitter about BDSM checklists.įor those who don’t know (and if so, hello and welcome!) a BDSM checklist is a long (sometimes very very long) list of kinks, sexual activities, and non-sexual roles or activities, that might come up in a BDSM context.
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